When I left university, I didn’t have much hope. I associated my midwifery training, the potential that it held, as a measure of success in life. Being unable to physically do the job anymore because my brain didn’t want to cooperate with my body left me feeling like a failure. For a while I didn’t particularly want to do anything but curl up on my bed and cry. My university was fabulous, they held my place moving it all the time for me, but I think we both knew I was too ill and in denial. I was grieving for a life that I wanted more than anything, I’d had a taste of it and I didn’t want to give up and let go.
After a period of feeling sorry for myself and being angry, I began to realise I had two quite simple choices. I could continue the way I was going, I could be bitter and resent myself for having an illness completely beyond my control. I could allow myself to continue in a downwards spiral, enabling the bleak abyss inside me to take over. Or I could snap out of it. I could pick myself up, slap a smile on my face and fight. I’d never gone down without a fight before why should now be any different?
In all honesty this choice is one I have had to remake several time over. Finally admitting to myself at the beginning of this year that the Dystonia being so generalised was going to prevent my Midwifery dreams was a difficult but positive step. For over two years I have fought in every way I can to continue having a normal life, I have studied, done charity work, attempting to find some way of finding even a glimpse of the fulfilment that I felt on my Midwifery course. Qualifying as a Reflexologist sparked something in me, I enjoy it thoroughly, but I am limited in my practice due to the Dystonia. My creative writing A Level though I love with a passion, reading and writing are two of my favourite activities. Studying them, well that’s just fun for me!
Last Friday (20 February) an article I wrote for Cosmopolitan went up on their website. For the first time in such a long time I felt a sense of achievement and fulfilment. I wanted to yell from the roof tops. I never thought I would see the day I would have an article on Cosmo’s website. I’m rather tempted to frame it. This experience has given me such a boost, it’s shown me that despite having Dystonia tuning life upside down and giving it a good old shake, I can still do whatever I put my mind do. It has been very empowering and a much-needed wake up call. Feeling full to the brim of nervousness, excitement, and joy; showed me that writing can give me every passion filled sense that Midwifery did, I just have to push myself. Dystonia can try to stop me but it won’t manage to.
If you want to check out my article please click on the following link http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/love-sex/sex/a33626/sex-questions-disabled-girls-are-tired-of-answering/
Filed under: Archive, February 2015
